Two dolphins dancing above the blue bay,
So charming in their tandem arc through space.
Their romance proceeds, like a game they play,
Becoming lost in their mystical grace.
Felicity’s rapture goes on for miles,
Which may never be pinioned or restrained.
Though faint, forever is brought to their smiles.
Such happiness should at no time be chained.
Dark waters turn, twist, twirl and deeply scare,
Where looming disaster can take one’s breath.
They fight the crusade and then they take care
Of little love who must not come near death.
Struggle and sputter through down pouring rains,
Adoration still pumps in their warm veins.
That sonnet was written by a “student.” The following is an email dialogue I had with a this young lady who needed to write a sonnet. I helped her where I could, and I think she composed a beautiful sonnet about two dolphins. As you can see, she gave me permission to share our dialogue here so that others might learn from it. Thanks Arlayna!
————–
Hello Scott! (Or Professor Ennis) 🙂
I am a 10th grade AP student, and the final poem needed to complete my project(which is due Tuesday) is a sonnet. I am not exactly sure where to start…I have been sitting here for about two hours. I had the wonderful idea to search for some help! I couldn’t find your contact information, so I suppose this post will have to do.
Thanks!
Arlayna
————–
Hello Arlayna,
I would love to help you with writing a sonnet. Have you started yet? Can you send me whatever you have started or at least an idea about what you’d like to write about?
Sincerely,
Scott Ennis
————–
Two dolphins dancing above the blue bay
So charming in their tandem arc through space
Two by two romancing as they display
and that’s all I have at the moment :/
Thank you so much for replying!
Arlayna
————–
Arlayna,
That’s a beautiful start!
What I do when I write is use question marks to hold the place of each syllable I need to write.
I’ve done that with your poem to show what still needs to be written.
Two dolphins dancing above the blue bay
So charming in their tandem arc through space
Two by two romancing as they display
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ace
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
In the fourth line I put “ace” instead of a question mark because you know that you need to use a word that rhymes with “space.”
To find a rhyming word, I just use the syllable sound and go through the alphabet.
So for your line I would go: ace, base, case, dace, eace, face, grace . . .
Obviously you will get some that aren’t real words, like “dace” and “eace.” But it is a good exercise to find words you might not have thought of.
Then you can look at the good words and decide what fits with your poem’s images.
You start by talking about dolphins playing and romancing in the bay, so do you think you want to talk about an “ace,” a “base,” a “case, “grace,” a “face,” or some other word that rhymes with “space?”
Here are some that I thought of:
“They seem to enjoy their watery place”
or
“They see little fish that they like to chase”
or
“? ? ? ? ? ? without a trace”
Finish through at least line 8 and send it back and I’ll give you more ideas if you like.
Scott
————–
Scott-
Thanks, it took awhile to come up with those three lines, and why I chose dolphins is a mystery to me; it was the most random thought but it seemed to flow nicely. Well, at least I hope. 🙂
Here is what I have come up with throughout the day:
two dolphins dancing above the blue bay
so charming through their tandem arc through space
two by two romancing as they display (or should I put ‘”make play?” I tried fitting “play” here, but I couldn’t think of a word to stick in front of it: make way, portray, ballet, convey…hmm)
becoming lost in their mystical grace
the waters spin, crush, swirl, and then forbade
upcoming disaster, to catch one’s breath
must fight the crusade and come to the aid
of little love who must not come near death
struggle and sputter through down pouring rains
Thank you for the tips and example lines; it helped TONS!
I originally started mimicking one of the lines, but it turned into something completely different. It was kind of funny 🙂
Arlayna
————–
Arlayna,
Wow. I’m impressed with your talent.
Your fourth line about “mystical grace” is incredibly fitting.
I understand your difficulty with trying to fit “play” into your third line.
Since you already identify “two dolphins” in the first line, I might use something like:
“Their romance proceeds, like a game they play”
Your fifth line has one big problem that you need to fix and avoid (I do it too).
“spin,” “crush,” and “swirl” are all present tense, but “forbade” is past tense. Your poem needs to be completely in past or present tense.
I like present tense. Your first four lines are all present tense.
A sonnet needs a volta, which is a turn in the action of the poem, usually around line 9.
I think you do a good job of “turning” from the romancing dolphins to the “upcoming disaster” or “death,” but you make this volta or turn start to happen at line 5.
I would use lines 5-8 of your sonnet as lines 9-12, and come up with new lines for 5-8. Make your new 5-8 lines go along with the romancing playfulness of the dolphins.
I hope this helps. You are doing a fantastic job. I’d love to post your sonnet and our discussion on my website when you finish, if that is okay with you.
Scott
————–
Scott-
Well that took a little longer than I expected! I switched the middle staza to the last one, and it fits smoothly(thanks to your help).
I got a little impatient with it toward the end, buuut, hopefully it didn’t mess with it too much.
Two dolphins dancing above the blue bay,
So charming in their tandem arc through space.
Their romance proceeds, like a game they play,
Becoming lost in their mystical grace.
The felicity goes on for miles,
Which may never be pinioned or restrained.
Leading to a forever faint smile,
May this happiness at no time be chained.
The waters turn, twist, twirl, and then make scare,
Of looming disaster to catch one’s breath.
Will fight the crusade and come to take care
Of little love who must not come near death.
Struggle and sputter through down pouring rains,
Adoration still pumps in their warm veins.
Arlayna
————–
Arlayna,
I wish I had more time to work on this with you. But I need to sleep and I think you said it is due tomorrow.
So, I have included my suggestions within the poem.
I will send you another email tomorrow to explain my suggestions. I am very proud of you. Your creativity comes through beautifully in your poetry.
I hope my suggestions and comments have helped you. And I hope you never stop writing poetry.
Thank you for sharing your talent with me.
Scott
****
[my comments]
Two dolphins dancing above the blue bay,
So charming in their tandem arc through space.
Their romance proceeds, like a game they play,
Becoming lost in their mystical grace.
The felicity goes on for miles,
[“miles” is only one syllable]
[Felicity’s rapture goes on for miles]
Which may never be pinioned or restrained.
Leading to a forever faint smile,
[“smile” is only one syllable]
[Though faint, forever is lead to their smiles]
May this happiness at no time be chained.
Such happiness should at no time be chained
The waters turn, twist, twirl, and then make scare,
[While waters turn, twist, twirl and simply scare]
Of looming disaster to catch one’s breath.
[Where looming disaster can catch one’s breath]
Will fight the crusade and come to take care
[They fight the crusade and then they take care]
Of little love who must not come near death.
Struggle and sputter through down pouring rains,
Adoration still pumps in their warm veins.
****
————–
Scott-
You have been a massive help; many thanks to you and your time!
And thank you for the criticism, comments, suggestions and tips. I may have
had to pull an all-nighter without your help; writer’s block is a killer.
And you are most welcome.
Farewell and goodnight,
Arlayna
————–
Arlayna,
I have been editing our conversation to put on my website to help others.
I’m curious: what did you turn in for your final sonnet?
Also, can I use your name with it, or would you prefer I don’t.
Scott
————–
Scott-
You may use my real name, I do not mind. And that sounds cool! I gave you a little test to see if you were ready to teach, I suppose. And you passed!
For the most part, I used your suggestions, changing words here and there.
Arlayna
Scott Ennis
http://www.sonnettics.com