A little one act play I wrote a few years ago. It was selected to be produced for a competition, but the production company wanted more of my time than I had to spare. Let me know if you'd like to produce it.
Washed Up by Scott Ennis
Phone (703) 994-9037 Email: scottennis@gmail.com
An actor suffering from a bad review of his Hamlet performance finds a skull on a beach and engages in a discussion of theatrical philosophy, ironically, with the skull, who turns out to be the actual Yorick, jester of Elsinore.
Shawn is a stage actor just coming off a bad review of his recent performance as Shakespeare’s Hamlet. He is probably on the cusp of being too old to play Hamlet.
Yorick is the skull of the actual Yorick, jester of Elsinore. Besides his time playing in Shakespeare’s Hamlet, he carries a dislike for thoughtless humanity, expressed through theater and his own being dropped from a ship into the Long Island Sound.
Note: Yorick should be an actual actor in complete black attire with head painted like a skull. Yorick skull would be best “picked up” by Shawn and “placed” on a box or table. Flowers may be retrieved offstage by Shawn.
__________
SHAWN picks up a skull from the beach.
SHAWN Well, here’s irony after my shitty Hamlet reviews.
SHAWN holds up the skull and proceeds like an actor reciting lines.
SHAWN (CONT’D) Yorick? No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be.
YORICK Prufrock? Or Polonius?
SHAWN (astounded) How would Yorick know a poem by T. S. Eliot?
YORICK I was in a troupe in the 60s that fucking worshiped Tommy.
SHAWN The 60s? How long have you been doing theater?
YORICK Pretty much since they dug me up to bury Ophelia. I started out as a simple candle holder until that dude from England wrote his version of that little shit, Hamlet. Then I got cast as myself. Tough role, hey?
SHAWN You are Yorick.
YORICK Yes, I am.
SHAWN How'd you get here?
YORICK Where's here?
SHAWN Connecticut.
YORICK Near New York?
SHAWN Closer than Elsinore.
YORICK I was supposed to be performing in New York.
SHAWN I used to perform in New York. I just finished playing “that little shit, Hamlet.” What happened to you?
YORICK Some dickhead on the ship took me up on the deck and tried reciting lines. Dropped me over the side. Too much to drink, probably. What about you?
SHAWN The critics didn’t like my performance.
YORICK Why not? Are you a dickhead too?
Shawn stares out at a cargo ship in the sound. He is lost in thoughts about his last performance.
YORICK Hello? Anybody home?
SHAWN Sorry. I'm just a little stunned.
YORICK Wow. Stunned. And nobody even dropped you off a ship into the ocean.
SHAWN I’m glad I smoked all that weed before coming here.
YORICK Weed? I like weed.
Shawn pulls out a pipe, fills it with marijuana from a small bag, and takes a hit.
SHAWN Yeah, but how are you gonna smoke it? You no longer have those lips that Hamlet kissed, how oft, we know not.
YORICK I have a shell that I use for a pipe. Clench it between my teeth.
SHAWN Classy.
YORICK What’s that supposed to mean?
SHAWN It means you sound like a weed slut who would do anything for a hit.
YORICK Including quoting some cheesy poem?
SHAWN Pretty ballsy calling Eliot cheesy.
YORICK Not Tommy. Just his poem.
SHAWN So, the actor is the play, but the poet is not the poem?
YORICK Whatever. Did you find my shell?
SHAWN Didn’t look.
YORICK So, that would be no?
SHAWN Of course.
YORICK How hard is it for you to just say yes or no?
SHAWN I said no.
YORICK No. You said, “didn’t look.”
SHAWN Well that implies no.
YORICK Kind of like asking for a hit implies that I can smoke it.
SHAWN But you never asked.
YORICK Yes I did.
SHAWN No. All you said was, “I like weed.”
YORICK Wasn’t the request for a hit implied?
SHAWN Tell you what. Let’s hear what you’ve got. If the poet is the poem I’ll give you a hit.
YORICK So, you want me to compose a poem requesting a hit of your weed?
SHAWN Yeah.
YORICK There once was a man from Nantucket
SHAWN It has to be original.
YORICK There once was a man with some ganja.
SHAWN Good luck with that one. Nothing rhymes with ganja.
YORICK Poems don’t have to rhyme.
SHAWN True. Go ahead.
YORICK That’s it. That’s my poem. When you give me a hit, the poet will be the poem.
SHAWN Ok. Let me see if I can find that shell pipe.
YORICK Or something of a similar pattern.
SHAWN You make it all so enticing.
YORICK Let’s break the expected pattern.
SHAWN With the prosody of intellect. I’ll be Rosencrantz.
YORICK And I will be Guildenstern.
SHAWN Yes. We are not Prince Hamlet, nor were meant to be . . .
YORICK To be, or not to be? That is the question.
SHAWN Alas, poor questions, I knew them well.
YORICK And who will declare that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead?
SHAWN I think it’ll be Tom Stoppard.
YORICK Fitting to have death declared by clowns, digging one up or dramatizing one’s breath. (cough, cough)
SHAWN Are you sick?
YORICK Yes. My lungs are sick and spotted.
SHAWN Ah, not a volta already.
YORICK Out, out damned spot.
SHAWN And next?
YORICK Et tu, Rosencrantz?
SHAWN Fitting. Any knife?
YORICK Only the dagger I see before my eyes.
SHAWN I deserved that.
YORICK Let's go back to Elsinore. Let's go back to my grave.
SHAWN Your grave? Isn't it Ophelia’s now?
YORICK Exactly. She loved gathering flowers.
SHAWN So you want to talk about flowers?
YORICK Yes. Go pick some and bring them over here.
Shawn leaves the driftwood and walks back to some flowering bushes then returns with a handful of flowers.
SHAWN (falsetto) There's fennel for you, and columbines: there's rue for you; and here's some for me: we may call it herb-grace o' Sundays: O you must wear your rue with a difference. There's a daisy: I would give you some violets, but they withered all when my father died: they say he made a good end,--
SHAWN (normal voice) Just kidding. It’s all beach scrub.
YORICK These flowers are like you.
SHAWN How do you figure?
YORICK Throw them out into the water.
Shawn stands and throws the flowers into the sound.
SHAWN Okay, now what?
YORICK Where are the flowers?
SHAWN In the water.
YORICK Really?
Shawn stands up and sees the flowers are back on the beach.
SHAWN Ok. So the waves brought them back to the beach.
YORICK Anything wrong with that?
SHAWN No. That’s the normal course when you throw flowers into the ocean.
YORICK Exactly. Nothing wrong with being washed up.
END
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